Writing 101 – Day 4

Today, write about a loss. The twist: make this the first post in a three-post series.

This doesn’t need to be a depressing exercise; you can write about that time you lost the three-legged race at a picnic. What’s important is reflection on this experience and what it meant for you – how it felt, why it happened, and what changed because of this.

The Daily Post / Writing 101, Day four – The Serial Killer

Loss

Loss comes in many shapes and forms. And everyone perceives it differently, how much it affects someone is also vastly different. What one person might perceive as loss could be hardly called loss from another persons point of view.

I, like everyone else, have lost people dear to my heart – family members. People who I loved and whose loss I’ve grieved. But that’s not what I want to talk about. Though their loss has effected me there was a certain kind of loss which has affected me personally more. Deeper, a loss which changed me to my core.

I lost hope, I lost everything. I didn’t think that my life was worth living anymore, if you get kicked down enough times you start to belief that you somehow don’t deserve any better. That is the biggest loss in my life, I lost myself. I was being bullied in high school and it took me losing myself to eventually overcome all the crap I had been going through. I was bullied for three years, I never knew why. And I’ll probably never know, but that doesn’t matter anymore. It has taken me years and years but eventually I managed to overcome what happened to me. And part of me probably still hasn’t completely overcome the loss of my old me. I guess I never will. People who have been bullied will probably what I mean by that.

If you get bullied you ultimately try to change – that doesn’t necessarily mean change for the better. They make you believe that it’s you who’s doing something wrong. In my case since I never knew why they bullied me I tried to change so many things about me that I lost myself in hopes that I would somehow fit in. Be liked and would be able to get along with my classmates. But it didn’t change anything – except for myself that is. In fact it was as if the bullying only became worse and that was when I shut down. I became numb, silent and anti-social. Three things which I certainly wasn’t before I got bullied. I tried really hard not to lose myself. But it was too damn hard, I wasn’ t able to do it. I lost fate and hope, I couldn’t deal with it any longer and I basically didn’t want to be here anymore. The fact that I couldn’t do something like that to my parents was what kept me going. Because I knew that it would break them and at least now they didn’t know how bad it was.

I guess that I’ve been depressed, but I never saw a doctor. So I’m not sure. Outside of my parents and my immediate family I didn’t trust anyone. Not even a professional. So I’m really not sure if what I felt like and how I behaved meant that I was depressed. A couple of years ago when my fears of being inadequate started to interfere with my job I was told that I should try to get help to benefit myself. The strange thing was that I at that moment did not really see that I was loosing control of the situation but I was trying to see if, where and how I could get help because I knew that there were still some unresolved issues. I went to a therapist for a while. A really sweet woman who I trusted and felt safe with. I knew that I could tell her anything and none of it would leave the room – past experiences with a school guidance counselor had prevented me from doing that sooner. I’m now thirty-two and I can finally say that I’ve given the fact that I was bullied in high school a place.

In hindsight I’m glad that I never did anything stupid because there is a lot to live for even if you go through a time where you feel absolutely useless. There will be a time where things are going to get better and I know it can take a long time … any time will probably feel like it’s too long but I promise you there is a lot to live for. I’m now in a much better place, I can’t say that life is perfect – I guess that no one can claim to live the perfect life, perfect is an illusion – but it’s good.I changed a lot and I used up a lot of time trying to regain my trust in the people around me. It’s been hard, it’s a struggle but I can now tell this without crying and even without feeling bad and that is saying a lot. I couldn’t have written this a couple of years ago without feeling completely miserable and without crying. I’m proud of what I have accomplished, but I hate what I had to lose to get where I am today.

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